Acceptance or rather perceived lack thereof of neurologically disabled persons in churches...

I have attended many churches.  Many times, I will start, then for some reason or another will skip a Sunday or two until I find it has been months or even years since I have been to church.  I want to find a church that is big enough to be able to offer lots of opportunities for service where I can contribute, but small enough that I am not lost in the crowd.  I want one that is growing, not one that is dying.  I want one where we can worship as a family, but has a place I can go if one of my children needs to be removed from the service for a few minutes to calm down.  However, my husband wants a church where we can drop the children at some nursery, children’s church, or Sunday School service during the main worship service so that we can concentrate on the service.  The problem is, though, that they have chronologically aged out of nursery, but they are not developmentally mature enough to handle their own age group. 

Despite giving lip service to families of disabled children, many churches, especially those in rural areas or those in areas with highly transient populations (unless the pastor's child is one of those children, it seems) do not have the infrastructure in place to support these families and their children, especially when the children have developmental disabilities but look completely normal.  In fact, many families of children with such disabilities are run out of church, especially when the child does not conform—either constructively by being made to feel they don’t belong and their child’s presence is a bother, or they are directly asked to leave.  I think that it is easier for many people, emotionally, so long as the disabled or other “different” people are “others” and distant.  When the same people are in your face, and you must personally be inconvenienced by their presence (perhaps the tics or the self-stimulatory behaviors are distracting), then it is harder to be patient and accepting.  

My son is 11, could pass for seven, maybe a young eight, but he needs supervision about on the same level as a toddler.  However, putting him in the nursery with the toddlers is not the answer; first, because he would be bored, but second, and most important, because the parents of the toddlers would be upset at his presence because he is so much bigger than them.   I have lost count of the number of times I have offered my children videos on the iPad or iPhone in order to keep them quiet and seated.  And, if that fails, one of us (usually me) has to get up with the child to go for a walk.  Then comes the dilemma of whether taking them to church is positive and if they are getting anything out of it or are we just wasting gas in our car.